Easter Photos

 By the time Easter was done so was Parker... all tuckered out and naked in daddy's arms!

Easter

Easter was incredible this year! I have to admit that I don't think I have ever felt so deeply thankful for the opportunity to celebrate that particular holiday until this year. In the past year I have developed a whole new understanding and testimony of the atonement that Christ paid for us. I have learned that that atonement is not just for the errors we make in our lives but also for the sorrows and the joys we experience in this life as well. I want to take a little bit of time on this blog to record  just how I feel.

 There have been many many times in the past year that no matter how many loving and kind people I was surrounded by who desired to only care for and meet my needs I have felt completely and utterly alone. There is nothing worse in this life than that feeling of solitude, like there is not a soul alive who could ever really understand what you are going through and the range of emotions that comes with the struggles of having a your spouse frighteningly ill  and struggling for his own life. I have had countless nights of crying until there were no more tears to be shed. Sometimes those tears were tears of sorrow sometimes they were tears of joy. None of which were specifically caused by my own actions but rather from my circumstances.

In the beginning of cancer I mourned the loss of my husbands health. There are many people who know that pain, too many. But they can relate in a way that is very unique to those who have suffered along side the one they love so deeply. There are countless fears with the loss of health, the possibilities of so many different things from the financials, the logistics of managing everything at home and suddenly needing to be a caregiver for your husband. Then heaven forbid if the thought of loosing your spouse ever crosses your mind the sheer panic will consume you. All this while you have three very young children who would likely have very few if any memory of their father if he were to be called to his Heavenly home.
 I was terrified, but as all of those thoughts would run through my head the only thing I could feel was peace. Peace that things were going to be alright, peace that even though this is going to be a huge struggle and there will be times that it will be harder than I thought I could handle, I knew I had to keep fighting just like Ben. That peace could not have existed if it weren't for a loving Father in Heaven who was willing to sacrifice his only son in behalf of my heart and soul.
As cancer life continued and we got past the initial shock and whirlwind of survival I mourned something else. I mourned the loss of the ability to conceive. I truly believed that there was one more child meant to be a part of our family. That that child was suppose to come soon, and I was angry when the reality of transplant and the side effects and the probability went from 'maybe' to 'absolutely not'.  I have cried more tears over that loss than anything else in this entire process. I ache for the children that I will not have in this life that will have to wait until the next to be part of my family. In my pain I searched and found a single friend who understood that kind of pain (at least to some extent) and we spent hours talking, she brought me a very special kind of peace and allowed my heart to open just a little bit more to the healing power of the atonement. During the month of transplant while Ben was in the hospital for such a long time my mom gave me a CD to listen to while I would make the hour long drive to go visit him. It is Mercy River's album 'Higher'. That CD saved my life. I cannot tell you how much that disc really meant to me. It is the soundtrack of my life. Every single song has some way of touching even the darkest parts of my soul and bringing them to light. I know that the Lord had his hand in getting that music to me in my time of need! There is one specific song on that disc called 'Blessings' that shares the message that sometimes in this life the Lord allows us to learn lessons from the hard things in life. The lyrics sum up the past year and the true love that I feel my Savoir has for me. Because I know that this entire experience is a blessing no matter how difficult this year has been no matter how many times my heart has felt shattered I know beyond all that this is a blessing and I can always rely on my Savior to be by my side to lift me! This feels kind of funny ending on this note but I don't know what better way to express my feelings than what this song expresses. I truly am grateful for a perfect atonement that has been paid in my behalf. Happy Easter.

Blessings

From the album Higher

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?