Transplant!

 We busted Ben out of his room (totally against the rules!) so he could come say him while Mallory was donating cells!

 Mallory started the drip! It was very very cool!

 please note the beautiful color of that line... here we go!

 Best moment of all. After it started we were all crying!

 I love socks... these were our transplant socks! All ORANGE!

 sleeping beauty

 Rapunzel

Very cold and miserable handsome prince!

This past week is one to make note of in the personal history of the Merritt Family. I think I have lost my love of writing these blogs because sometimes I really think my life is kind of boring. I don't know what on earth would posses me to not want to write on a week like this past one but alas I seem to lack all motivation to collect my thoughts on paper tonight as I begin typing this. It's been a week for the record books for us. I can't remember the last time I experienced such a broad range of emotions in such a short amount of time. I am thankful for the sweet little reminder that sits on top of my desk that says "Merritt women can do Anything" because I'm positive that is the only reason that I and my three beautiful and wonderful children have survived the extreme emotional swings of this week!

Monday was Ben's first day of radiation. It actually went just fine, took a long time to get everything set up for him and get his first round done but the good news is that after that first round of radiation the next 7 rounds went much faster. I was worried about that one. Because Ben has never done radiation we had no idea what to expect for his body's initial reactions to the treatments. Some people get sick from it and I was hoping that he would be spared that miserable effect which thankfully he was. I spent that day playing with Natalie and Jackson at the park it was a great time for everyone! I got great adult time and the kids had a blast being able to have mommy around and play at the park in one of the last days before the cold weather and snow showed up!

Tuesday Ben did more radiation. It was the start of the 'ball buster' treatment... I should elaborate on that more but I lack the emotional gumption to force it out. For now I will say that was a very hard day for me and for him emotionally. Was it a painful process? no. It was the mental side of it that was really difficult to deal with. The fact that we are done with kids because of it and the emotional challenge that is for me. I was thankful that Grandma Merritt took the kids and my mom came to visit at the hospital for a bit in the morning. Then it was just Ben and I for the afternoon. It was quiet and pretty simple. He still felt good and so we just enjoyed the time together!

Wednesday was tough. It started out really well! Everything was going very smoothly, I was getting things done and the kids were playing and happy. They were even being really helpful with all kinds of things around the house as though it were the best game mommy ever invented! Once school got out and we picked Eliza up everything seemed to spiral exponentially downhill from there. Parker was showing lots of signs of being sick. I mean the poor kid was oozing from every part of his face! I ended up taking him into the doctor just to make sure it was just a cold because I've never seen a baby face look like that before! Even the doctor commented on how much he was 'dripping' from his eyes, nose, mouth, for goodness sake the only thing not oozing was his ears! I spent half the day freaking out that I wasn't going to be able to go to transplant day because the baby was sick! Thankfully the doctor told me I would be fine with good hand washing! So due to my overly depressed nature about the day and the day before (radiation sucks) it was a hard day for the kids as well because that phrase "when momma ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy" proved itself true for the day. The kids found themselves all in bed early that night and I spent the evening trying to run away from my feelings by going to the store while my wonderful visiting teacher watched the kids but it didn't really fix the problem just let me take a deep breath and move forward!

Thursday was the BIG day! My mom came over and did the kid thing all day. I mean ALL day. Abby came to my house and we drove over to the hospital for the official TRANSPLANT day! Hooray! Mallory had some seriously bad luck with whoever the jerk was that put in her central line. He didn't wait until she was all the way numb so she felt everything and I have some not so kind words to say about doctors like that! The patient is ALWAYS the first priority and if they are really hurting you NEED to listen! But the pain cause some panic attack problems for Mallory who spent almost the whole process pretty uncomfortable but they gave her some good meds to help with the pain and with the anxiety so I am thankful for that! The official transplant didn't start until about 6:30 almost 7:00 that evening. It was really cool because they allowed Mallory to actually start the drip for Ben, so she had a hand in everything! So COOL! it was a very tender moment and there were many tears spilled in that hospital room. We were thankful to even have Hailey there via skype because she wasn't able to come because Ellie got roseola the weekend before :-(  When I finally went home that night I actually went to my parents house and crashed there because I wanted to take care of Parker through the night but didn't want to wake kids up just to put them back to bed. That is silly!

Friday I woke up made a quick trip to Denver to see Ben for just a little bit longer... I didn't see him much the day before because I was too busy doing laundry! LAME! but after a quick visit with Ben I had the BEST therapy day ever! I took the kids to Bounce (indoor blow up play place thing) and I took Mary Kay Baker with me so that I could talk to her for a little while about how to deal with the feelings of loss when it comes to the kids I wanted to have. You see when Mary Kay was about my age she had three little kids and her husband got testicular cancer. It ended their ability to have children for obvious reasons. She had really wanted to have more as well so she is kind of the perfect person for me to talk to because we have the same beliefs and very similar problems... just 27 years apart! It was a fantastic conversation, I left feeling like I will someday learn how to deal with some of this and that it's ok that I can't really do it right now. I also finally felt like I was talking to someone who really knew what I was saying, even the words that I wasn't speaking out loud she could hear and feel without judgement or blind belief when I tend to lie. Such a sweet tender mercy to know that someone is there who loves me knows me and can really actually understand the amount of pain I feel in all of this. After a few hours of talking with her I got a phone call from the transplant psychologist and spent another hour talking with her about things. It was a lot of much much needed therapy that day. Then that night Parker was amazing and slept for almost 12 hours!

Saturday was nuts. I mean that in every possible way! I started out getting up and ready for the day getting out the door and to the store. Only to find out that Ben's mom is sick and can't go visit so that leaves Ben all day alone. Normally I would blow that off and say it's ok he doesn't mind that on occasion but after finding out that his ANC dropped from 3,000 down to 300 and he was no longer able to keep anything down I got a little desperate in my desire to do see him. I didn't do anything about it because I knew how much I needed to get done. So I went to the store bought a birthday gift and some other things that we needed. Only to get home and have my RS president sitting on my porch waiting to help. She took Eliza to her party, I dropped the others off at my visiting teachers and then I went and got to spend some time with Ben! I was beyond thrilled about that! I can't even tell you how happy that made me and it shouldn't have ever worked out so perfectly but it did and it was wonderful! Ben threw up once while I was there... I shamelessly left for that because I just hate puke. That and I didn't think the nurse had any desire to clean up after both of us! After that I rushed back home fought the kids into costumes (normally not such a big deal but it was a battle that day). We made it to trunk or treat and the girls had a great time. Alayna was Rapunzel Eliza was Sleeping Beauty and Parker was the Handsome Prince. They were all very cute! Parker froze and totally lost it by the end but it is Colorado so snow is usually expected at these events! After that evening and after answering 'how's Ben' many many many times I was toast so we went home and crashed. I ordered pizza for dinner and put everyone to bed early!

Sunday was less eventful! Ben was still sick but they managed to get his anti nausea drugs high enough that he can eat again... well a little bit at least. His counts dropped again. He's almost hit bottom with some of them so hopefully in the next few days we will see them start to come up again! At church Eliza had her Primary program. I knew Ben had wanted to be there so I made sure to facetime him into the meeting even though you aren't really suppose to do that. We got permission and he didn't get a very good view but he did get to listen and watch what he could. It was great! Plus Alayna just loved getting to see daddy during church. After church we got some information from the neighbor I had to once again explain the situation at our house and I am officially convinced that I don't like having to tell that story still. It's very draining because there is no such thing as a short and sweet version of that story so it ends up being very long drawn out conversations. After that we went to Loveland for dinner and I really enjoyed some time to sit and talk with my incredible dad! He is really awesome and if you don't know him you are really missing out!

If you never Start you can't Finish

 Mommy made Alayna's costume!

Well to say that the last few weeks have been a challenge would be an understatement. I am noticing that the closer we get to transplant the higher my anxiety seems to get. I mean honestly, I think even Parker is now suffering from MY acid reflux in the acidity of my milk supply! That is probably more information than anyone really wanted so I am going to give a quick run down of the past week and hopefully this isn't a mile long!

Monday started the day off insanely early! I mean seriously no one can possibly love getting up and getting their kids out the door by 6 AM, not ever. Honestly we have not gotten up that early since diagnosis so it is a little brutal on my sleep deprived body to drag it out of bed at that hour just so that I can sit in the car and fight Denver morning traffic! But in the end we did exactly that. Dragged the kids out of bed dropped all three of them off at Grandma Merritt's house and I made the drive (for the first time) to the hospital in Denver to start tests for transplant. They do a full work up on Ben before transplant so that they have a base line to know how his organ function etc are before putting his body through such high levels of chemo and radiation. We also met with the transplant psychologist who was really sweet and I like her enough that she may just be getting a lot of phone calls from me on those hard days. Thank goodness for such an awesome team of people who are all working for us and helping us get through the technicalities of this process I have no idea how we would do it without them! Ben also had a bone marrow biopsy that day which is tough but I got to watch this time which was really kind of cool! They really use a power drill to drill out a core sample from Ben's hip, very interesting to say the least! After that we made the drive home. It was late and we were both beat from the adventure of the day. Ben from the physical work of it all and me from...well it must have been the emotional work that killed me because I was beat by the time we were done!

Tuesday was our day off! So instead of going to Denver for anything cancer related we spent the day taking Eliza to school and then going to the store and playing at home for the afternoon. We bought me a new and much better web cam so that we will be able to skype with daddy while he is in the hospital and can't see the kids. That afternoon Parker took a great nap so I made a really cute apron and some chocolate popcorn to take to the service auction that night. The auction was fantastic! We all got $500 of fake money to spend freely on the things that everyone brought! I ended up with bracelets and a night of free babysitting!! The apron and chocolate popcorn went for a high price as well so that was a great ego boost!

Wednesday Ben had to be back in Denver at 7 AM for a spinal chemo treatment followed by hours and hours of meetings. We met with our social worker, transplant coordinator, and then had a radiation consult with x-rays and consent signing. It was a long day. The cool part about the day was that the guy who does the IT's (spinal treatment) uses a smaller needle to do the whole thing so Ben did not have to lay on the table for an hour after which was great! My mom was awesome that day and came over at 5:00 AM to watch the kids all day long! Not only did she watch the kids but she also cleaned my whole house and did my laundry!! I am so so blessed to have such an amazing Super Woman for a mom! What a gift and blessing that is!

Thursday Eliza had school and after school we went to Loveland so that I could go to my mom's RS activity where they had a guest speaker come and talk about guilt! It was AWESOME!! I really really needed that lesson and boy do I wish I would have had the sense to record it so that I could listen to it later! That didn't happen but I wish it would have! The thing that really came home with me was one of those things that I have been taught so many times before but for some reason that day it really stuck and clicked with me! That is that we need to live in the NOW. Because now is the only time that you can create memories, now is the only thing you can change or do anything with. The past is over and the future is constantly changing so enjoy the now. That means that I should enjoy my kids, now. Enjoy the time with my family now. Even enjoy the cancer experience because even this will pass and do I really want to risk going through all of this and not gaining any good or positive memories from this time of my life!? I think NOT! Even cancer can be enjoyed. Ben spent that afternoon at the dentist getting approval for his transplant... wahoo right!?

Friday was busy busy! We kicked off the morning by going to the pumpkin patch to pick out carving pumpkins to do together. Alayna was really funny because she was dead set of wearing a short little skirt that day without anything else but it was dang cold that day so she of course froze. There was no complaining from her but she was good and chilled when you touched her! Then when it was time to let the girls actually pick their pumpkins we walked around a little and Alayna picked what she wanted but she was so quick that we kept walking around and looking but sure enough after the third time she went back to the exact same pumpkin we decided she really meant it and let her have that one! Eliza took longer to choose but none of us took as long as daddy who had to pick the perfect shape for what he wanted to create! After the pumpkin patch Ben went golfing with his dad and I went to the park with the kids and my friend Natalie and her son Jackson. I thankfully by that point had managed to talk Alayna into some pants so she would stay warmer but by the end everyone was cold so 2.5 hours of chatting later we went home and crashed!

Saturday morning we got up and carved pumpkins. It was fun!! I mean I honestly should have gone much much simpler than I did with designs for the kids because rather than each of them doing their own mommy did most of both of theirs. I half way expected that of Alayna anyway just because of age but I thought Eliza would get quite a bit of it done herself. Alayna didn't really do any of hers. Eliza got about 1/4 of hers done before it became too complicated and I finished it. So by the time I got to my own pumpkin (well mine and Parker's) I was toast. So ours was of course the boring "BOO" because I just lacked all motivation after doing an Elmo and Mini Mouse too. Thankfully I was smart and invested $5 in an electric pumpkin carving knife... totally worth the $5!! That afternoon we spent some time visiting with Ben's Aunt and Uncle who stopped by for a short visit! It was nice to see them again and visit for a little bit they are a happy bunch and family time is always nice! That evening we ate too much yummy food and crashed for the night.

Sunday. This was Ben's last Sunday in our ward (or maybe at all) until next year. So he stayed the full three hours and I really relished in my time of sitting next to him and having the extra set of hands on my row with the kiddos! It was great to have him. The lessons and talks were also excellent and I went home feeling uplifted and ready for a new week! Let's hope that strength will hold up through Friday when Ben will be admitted to the hospital and start his chemo and radiation for transplant.

Making Daddy Bears

This week has been good for the most part! Yay for less drama than the week before!

Monday morning was spent in a mix of the doctors office and squeezing the last few hours of visiting time out of the McMillan's before they headed back to Florida. Ben's counts were just not coming back like they wanted so they ordered him another platelet transfusion and they also wrote him a perscription for a decongestant thanks to how horrible his sinuses felt! The afternoon was spent at home trying to recover from all the craziness of the week before!

Tuesday I'm pretty sure I spent 90% of the day just driving from one place to another! Thank goodness for my mom who came to help out that day because I have no idea how I would have ever accomplished things otherwise! Ben got his transfusion, Eliza went to school, I went to the doctor for myself, and then to top it all off my mom did what I should just learn to accept as the 'norm'... She cleaned my house! So I came home between appointments and helped clean and she kept my laundry going all day long and left me with only the fun stuff to wash at the end of the night! In case you didn't already know laundry has levels of difficulty and distaste for me, listed from worst to best. kids cloths, adult cloths, sheets, blankets, towels. Towels are my absolute favorite part of laundry they are so easy and satisfying to fold and put away!! We even managed to make it to the store and fix the futon down in the basement so the mattress would quit sliding off!

Wednesday was my Mom's birthday!! So happy birthday mommy you are the very best mom and friend a girl could ask for, thanks for all the memories and all the help you have given me over the years! I owe my life to you, literally ;-) I spent the morning with the little ones while Eliza was at school and then we went to Loveland that afternoon so that I could bake my mom a birthday cake. The afternoon got more than just a little crazy so it made for a bit of difficulty getting the cake baked... in fact I didn't even get the cake all the way done I left half way through and made one of the twins finish it! It was an awesome day though!

Thursday Ben had another doctors appointment. It showed that his counts are recovering nicely for the most part. We also got to meet the new nurse practioner, she is fantastic!! I don't think I've ever met such a bubbly and fun doctor before so it was great to meet her, too bad we will be transfering everything to denver and the transplant center so soon but we will see her again in a few months! It's almost strange the attachment I am starting to feel toward all of these doctors and nurses, I suddenly get why people really go back to visit years after they are 'cured'. They are awesome!
 By this point in the week I was really starting to wear out. I mean wearing out in everything but most of all my patientience is shot out the window! I have none. I pity my poor children who are also exhausted but there were numorus times that I just about locked them in their rooms for the rest of the day on this day. Even the little stuff would escalate to tears for no rational reason! I mean honestly who literally cries over a spilt glass!? apparently an overly exhausted mom and toddler is the correct answer. Thankfully we resorted to a long warm bath for the kids and an early bedtime where all three kids were out cold before 7:30 that night!

Friday was 100x better. We were all much more rested and much better at coping with each other. Ben took us on a family date that day. We went out to lunch and then took the kids to Build-a-Bear. This was a first for me so I think I may have been even more excited than the kids were... at least until we walked in the door and the girls realized we really were going to let them pick any animal they wanted! They had a blast looking through the options and finally settling on what they wanted. Eliza got a horse, Alayna got a bright pink Hello Kitty and Ben picked out a cameo bear for Parker! In addition to getting to build their 'bears' Ben added voice recordings to each animal telling each one of his kids that he Loves them Very much! The goal with this is to hopefully make the next 3 months of limited visiting with daddy a little easier on the kids. I know Parker wont care but I totally cared that he has one too! We let them pick out outfits for their animals as well and Eliza ended up with a cheerleading outfit, Alayna got a rainbow fairy outfit where the wings light up and Parker got a Bronco's uniform. After our adventuresome date we went home and spent the afternoon figuring out a way to move the voice box in Alayna's hello kitty so she could use it (too fluffy where it was originially placed) and then listening to how much Daddy loves his kids, over and over and over again! They sure love those things!

Saturday was less eventful. I went shopping that day with the kids and got myself some new hot rollers for my hair... I love them and have been having fun playing with them in my hair. I looked at some cloths too but didn't find anything that I was really in love with. That evening I went to the RS broadcast and  I'm positive that the entire thing was written and directed specifically to me. I mean honestly they practically laid my situation out as an example and then went forward with it. I didn't quite make it through the whole meeting in my seat thanks to Parker and my sudden onset of panic but I really enjoyed listening quietly by myself at home it was some incredible messages and if you did not get the chance to listen to it I hope you take some time and read or listen to it later!http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/archive/general-relief-society-meeting/2012/09?lang=eng here is a link to listen to it if you don't know where to go and are interested it was amazing truely many many sweet sweet messages I really really loved Carole M Stephens so listen to that one for sure!!

Sunday was good. Church went well. It is sometimes hard to get through all the questions about transplant especially when I feel like I just don't have answers to some of the questions and it stresses me out to not have the answers for myself even more than not having them for someone else! Ugh. But after chruch we had a great time going to the Waite house for dinner and socializing time. I needed a good Waite family fix and that sure seemed to do the trick for me! We ended up not getting home until 10pm which I am sure we will spend the next few days paying the price for letting the kids stay up that late but it sure was great to visit for a while. Lots of laughter and fun in that house!